Quandries and Pickles

Does it strike anyone else as terribly ironic that a President Bush is knocking a guy who, while defeated, still has an approval rating twice that of the Bush administration?

The Rise Of Emo

It's a great big duh to me, but reporters, doctors and parents are baffled as the rise of emo and MCR coincides perfectly with a sudden CDC study on the rise in suicides among teenage girls.

Who would think that listening to depressing ass, whiney, self-serving music all of the time and buying into the associated one-up drama culture would do that?

Fucking morons.

Common Sense Is A Republican

I got this today in a forward at work...and you all know how much I love those.

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by until today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary
Common Sense


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as
knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a
student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant
and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar
can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to
Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.

Annoying News

Today, the news is annoying.

Seriously, from the MySpace Presidential campaign contributions and the you tube sopranos spoof to the frnot page "oh my god, a small can can still be safe in a collision" article, I'm starying to lose my mind.

Clinque...For Men?

Oh. My. God.

Those of you who know me well, and if you've been reading this for any duration, you can probably count yourself among the afor mentioned crowd, know that I rail on the "metrosexual" about as hard as anyone can without getting the Nerf Anger Bats out, so it should come as no surprise to you that this soft news article made me more than a little sad.

I think it was the first time in all of my years that I actually wanted to think they were referring to the twelve and thirteen year old eyeliner wearing, My Chemical Romance retards.

*sigh*

I get that you guys want to look good, I really do. The concealer I could probably forgive, and I personally thought it was a triumph when it was suggested to some of the ill coifed that they start using an aftershave with moisturizer in it because boy do you guys get rough and scaley fast, but this brow gel is going just a wee bit too far for my tastes.

Oy.

Getting American's Where It Hurts

When Ethanol was pushed for the first time in the last decade as TheSolution to theproblem of insane oil consumption, I was against it.

Corn is not, as the Bush administration, Republicans and even Democrats would have you to believe, a renewable resource. True, it's more renewable than fossil fuels, which you're probably going to be a bit hard pressed to find after we suck up what remains, but the problem with corn is that it isn't truly renewable.

Anyone who ever studied the Amazon River Basin in Jr. High Geography probably learned something about crop rotation. And, if you live in Small-Town America, you probably experienced it first hand.

You see, the thing about all organic life is that it's cyclical. It takes and it gives. Take the bee for instance. It takes pollen from plants and converts it to honey which, in turn, fuels the bees until they die, at which point their bodies decompose and redeposit any vitamins, minerals and calories they borrowed from the pollen to begin with. Then, a flower grows there. Crops don't differ so drastically. In order for a vegetable to be high in any particular thing, it has to derive it from the soil around it. With corn, much of the nutritional value is lost in the stalks, which are generally chopped down and dropped off to suppliment a hay bale maze somewhere in the midwest. Nevertheless, corn is notoriously hard on the soil in which it grows, meaning that the cost of growing it is a lot higher than we think.

Of course, when we're talking about human edible consumption, the cost isn't that high in a nation of excesses like ours. We don't eat that much of it and humans have an innate ability to return our wastes to the cycle. True, it's costly to grow as crops require a lot of attention but it's generally ok.

That is, until the conversation became about gasoline.

But anyway, all of that to get you to the thing that's going to hurt American's in a way that only it can and finally get us on the road to hydrogen fuel cells: BEER.

Crazy Ass Asians

I know that, speaking in geopolitical terms, it's always the Middle East tauted for their crazy, unstable, violent political beliefs, tendancies and wide-termed etcetera but, I have news for you ladies and gentlemen, Middle Eastern militants may be fucking crazy, but they have nothing on the bat-shit insane antics of the Asians.

I could reference my favorite buffont wearing mother fucker, but to keep things simple, lets cite a current example - a quote from the Chinese diplomat sent to Darfur earlier this year.

"I didn't see a desperate scenario of people dying of hunger." - Liu Guijin

I grabbed that curtosy of a rather extensive article that made the front page of the paper version of the Trib today, including a rather large, full color photograph on page 20 with the articles extension. Of course, it was second on the page only to the giant ass ad, but I'm happy to see the violence in Darfur getting any press. Never the less, a great big WTF goes out to my good friend

Someone has been drinking John McCain's Kool-Aid.

Happy News

Mike found a site for me the other night - happynews.com... Actually, in truth, he found it for himself, but he shared it with me because he knew I'd like to have a place that reports only the kinder-news my phsyical well being demands i read.

And then there was happiness. That is, of course, until a few minutes ago when, grumpy from having a crappy morning at work, I realized that happynews.com has added like four new stories since I logged on the last time - four days ago.

How un-freaking-nerving is that? That's all they could come up with - that some kid won a geography bee?

happynews, yes, that's right, happynews depresses me by its lack of new news.

The Only Thing Worse...

...than diner artwork is office artwork. For those of us lucky enough to dodge the company advertisements and motivational posters, it seems that we're relegated to whatever was on sale at the last Starving Artists bargain show.

Holy crap is it bad.

We Now Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled, Work Induced Lull To Bring You A Rant The Size Of Stupidity

One of the groovy things about the news is that, while a lot of you might not have a clue if I were to mention an obscure congressman, I bet, in this instance, you're all going to know what I mean when I mention the guy who shot the fuck out of Virginia Tech a few days ago.

No longer an avid or active news reader, myself - because reading it makes me do things like this - I try to stick to the kinderNews, new legs for panda bears and the like but, even with an extremely adequate filtration system as I have set up, when something like this goes wrong, everybody fucking says something. I suspect that more Coallition troops and Iraqi civilians died on April 16th than were killed in that school and I will gaurentee you that more people were savagely raped and murdered in Darfur on April 16th. Naturally, that's not to say that what happened on that campus was not a tragedy and doesn't deserve the be remembered - that the survivors and their families will not need to support, but it is to say that the American Ego might do well to spend a little less time complacently waiting for another thing to distract us from the many other complex, far-reaching, international indiscretions taking place each and every single day.

I was watching Bill Maher this morning. Now, I know, he's a controversial political comedian and what I normally have to say to people on the subject of him is "People, it was called Politically Incorrect!" but, today...today Mr. Bill Maher crossed a line with me. The man is certianly not a bastion of reason or sage advice - he's amusing and he knows that's his function. On occasion, however, I'm inclined to hold political comedians responsible, at least in the small view, for reaching their audience in some way and not just taking the easy joke. It's John Stewart on Crossfire, taking the moment to make a genuine appeal to American journalists to fully understand their role, their responsibilities and their impact. Whats worse, unlike The Daily Show or The Colbert Report, Real Time, on occasion, branches into actual political discourse as was done today with one Bill Moyers. Now, it's certianly not anything like the chicken chasing antics of Tucker Carlson, but he's about as much a real journalist as you or me. Hell, I probably researched the things I'm about to say more heavily than he researched his last piece on Karl Rove.

Anyway, all of that was to get me to this point - and some of it was just some self-serving rambling but it's my blog and there's nothing more self-serving than having one so fuck it. Bill Maher dedicated the majority of his program today (or Friday/Saturday, I guess...i'm downloading and viewing at a later date, you understand) to a discussion of the insane, gun control and how self-serving and unlucky this kid was but that he really just needed to get the fuck over it.

Do not get me wrong. This kid was self-serving, egotistical, probably clinically insane and really lacked any shred of reasonable coping skills. At some point you do have to grow up and move beyond a lot of the shit that happens in middle school and highschool and realize that that chapter of your life will eventually end, or take responsiblity for the fact that, on some level, if people don't like you it's because of something you're doing or something that you are and eventually you just have to find the people that do like you because they do exist out there and you will eventually get to them. Unless, of course, there's a clinical disorder at play and, at some point, a lisenced therapist and some high quality prescription medication are in order. The fact of the matter, however, is that in addition to whatever he was doing to further complicate his situation, the kid probably did not have it easy. From a likely tie to autism or asperger's syndrome to a cultural sterotype surrounding mental illness that his family appears to have been deeply involved in and into a school environment where no one - no one - is more cruel than children....It's no wonder by the time he made it to college he was stalking women and a lot more fucked up than even that suggests.

The news is confused. Bill Maher is confused. The entire journalistic camp of our mainstream media, comedians or otherwise, looks around and wonders "why?" - Why did he shoot up a school? Why did he kill a bunch of people who were never really that mean to him?

Because, you stupid ass mother fuckers, you were that mean to him.

Children are nothing if not cruel and I suspect if the mainstream media came out and asked where his teachers were when he was a child - why his parents didn't do more to help him deal with the issues he was having at home and at school - why an administrator didn't intervene to teach these other children to be kinder to other people...Well, there would probably be a lot fewer copy cats over the coming weeks.

You don't treat other people like that. You just don't.

Religious Pamphlet Day

So I brought all of these home wiht the intention of photographing them to share with all of you but then I didn't, so you get the abbreviated version :)

Dude.

Seriously.

I got like 15 religious pamphlets in the mail in the first fifteen minutes of my day yesterday, and none of them were as bad as the big red sticker on the outside of an envelope that read "Warning: America will never be blessed as long as 3500 babies are killed every day through abortions."

Who Knows What Time It Is?

So I came into work this morning to find a couple of interesting things.

First, I should really go back to the coffee. I miss the coffee, and the coffee misses me. It would seem that, without the afor mentioned coffee, Godfather Evenings aren't going to be possible. (I stayed up and watched the first like 45 minutes of Godfather II last night and I've been paying for it since I woke up.) This morning, I came in and made a menial, moronic mistake...about 475 times. Yeah, I'm not exaggerating. It took me an hour and a half to fix it and - the worst part? - I did it yesterday too.

Two, today is military aerospace pay-up day. The Senate must have sent out some checks because the names coming across my desk are, for once, names I know. (Because Tommy's Banana Hut isn't exactly on my Must See List but when I see Northrop Grumman I know who they are, what they do and exactly how their existence impacts my daily life.) Unfortunately, they were so among my 475 errors. Yeah, that's right, I fucked the quasi-government.

Anyway, today sucks, tomorrow will probably suck too, but it sucks a lot less knowing that, at the end of the week...the monies...on the monies... How does one spell the faux-pluralization of money? Given our current economic state, is it a little ironic that you can't have a single smithereen and, as far as grammar is concerned, money isn't a singular device as well?

I hate apricot jelly.

ABC Soundtrack

Does it bother anyone else that every single ABC show shares the same fifteen song soundtrack.

Aoooooooooooh!

Does it scare anyone else when Oprah beds down with the devil himself?

I know he's anti pedophile but come on.

Instant Valentine's Day Survival Guide

For a woman, Valentine's Day is about being remembered. It's about someone focusing on you long enough to choose a gift. The irony, however, si that Valentine's Day is so heavily advertised and heavily commercialized that men have to go to almost no effort to remember or choose a gift. Some of us are aware of that, but shush, don't ruin it for yourself.

For men, I suspect Valentine's Day is overwhelming. Too many sitcoms have given you the impression that you have to do something over the top - massage oils, flower petals, a dozen roses and diamond earrings - in order to make a dent in our expectations. The truth of the matter is that that's simply wrong.

Read on, my friends.

The Perfect Quick Gift.
So this might not be the perfect gift, but I certainly wouldn't mind getting it and, if my survey is at all correct, neither would anyone else. It has all of the classic elements of Valentine's Day, but it does it in such a way that makes sure you don't break the bank, your back or her spirits.

Candy: If you're going with chocolate, don't buy a box at the grocery store. Whatever her favorite kind of chocolate is (i'm partial to that from a shop about 45 minutes away) buy it but, to avoid the dangerous weight web, only buy a few. 6 to 10 is a good number that will keep you from looking cheap and her from feeling like she's just blown her entire diet plan. If she doesn't like chocolate, or if she simply has a favorite something else that you're aware of - whatever it may be - go with that. It's thoughtful that you noticed and she's bound to appreciate it. (I love blue rasberry blowpops....it's 5 bucks for a bag of like thirty and the fact that someone thought of it would make me happy.)

Flowers: You don't have to buy a dozen roses to keep yourself off of the sofa. You shouldn't buy a dozen carnations either, though. (Funeral flowers.) Find out what her favorite flower is and, when cost is an issue, buy less of them. You could get away with buying a single stem of her favorite without question, as long as it's accompanied by something else and you remembered what she likes.

Extras If you don't want to go the flower and candy route, or if you're looking at a single flower and a tiny box of chocolates feeling like that just isn't going to do it, there are a ton of other simple things you can do.

Wal-Mart sells inexpensive adorable stuffed animals and no girl can resist something adorable. There are a few tips and tricks to that - of course. First of all, we like things that are both squishy and maleable and have soft fur. Second, if you buy something with an "i wub you" heart pillow sewn into it's paws, it's obvious that you picked it up in the Valentine's Day isle. Odd though this may sound, wandering into the toy department and finding a stuffed bear that is just a cute stuffed bear will go a lot farther - plus, the animals in the toy department are usually cuddlier. (Bonus points if the animal you buy is her favorite animal)

Lingere is a trap, of course and whether or not it's a safe buy really depends on the girl you're with. Some, like me, might find lingere of any variety fun and complimentary. Other's might be OK with a gift certificate to their favorite store so they can go choose some themselves. (It's an OK bet if you're on the fence. She may prefer snuggly PJ's over something in black mesh and, that way, she gets to pick it herself and you don't end up tarred and feathered...unless you're into that.) Still, there are some who would be offended by the fact that you bought them lingere on a day that was supposed to be about getting them something they liked. The moral - unless you're very sure about your girlfriend and your relationship at the moment, stay away from lingere - -it can be a big beast.

Jewelery will probably never upset a girl, but getting the wrong piece can really upset you. My advice, if you're going to buy your girl jewelery, don't make it a surprise. Or, do make it a surprise. There are a lot of pretty cooperative jewelers out there and you might be able to covince one to part with a box. Tie a ribbon around it, stick a balloon to it, leave it on the pillow with a single stem next to it - whatever your presentation may be, write her a little note telling her how you feel about her and that you'd like to go pick out a special piece of jewelery to remind her of that and stick it in the box where the ring/necklace/earrings/whatever would go. Then, take her shopping with you. Obviously, it's important to set a price range before you get there, or set one with the jeweler and arrange to have them show you a few pieces within that range - that way, there's no weird awkwardness about her picking a piece that is twice what you could afford to spend. It's a good way to avoid buying a classic platinum girl an orante gold whatever or getting a woman who doesn't like to wear earrings a necklace. Plus, there's something cool about walking through a jewelery store like that....Kind of a win win, they get the surprise of finding the box and falling in love with the idea, plus the neato high of the shopping experience and they're bound to get something they love :)

Those, of course, are just the staples of the day. You could easily get out from under the V-Day trap for less than $30 bucks if you shop with the suggestions above in mind and, even if you're looking to spend more, you're still gaurenteed not to make any classic mistakes, product of not properly understanding the female psyche :)

WTF Happened To Edward Norton?

Okay, for those of you who don't know who I'm talking about, remember that scene in American History X where something really gross and probably offensive happened? Yeah, that was Edward Norton.

So, when I thought I saw a trailer for what looked like a clear chick flick and I swore to god I saw him it, I think I choked on my tongue a little.

Well, it would seem, from the limited information IMDB provides, that he is in not one but two chick flicks.

[The Illusionist | The Painted Veil]

I'm familliar with neither. Does anyone care to enlighten me because, from my cursory research...well, I'm disturbed.

Or maybe that it's that no image of him will ever be as firmly burned into my brain as the look on his face when his character snapped that guys neck....

*headtothemotherfuckindesk*

[vamp.org: " 5. If you have scars on your wrists from suicide attempts, by all means display them proudly. The same goes for bruises, cuts, and track marks. Abscesses, however, should always be coyly veiled in filmy black fabric."]

Kay is beating her brains in right now. Should I display that proudly too?

Christ, they have me talking about myself in the third person.

More Things I Knew Before They Were At Hot Topic

I do this occasionally, find out that something is beloved by all of the little emo boys and girls and get pissed off because, god damnit, I had that when you either made it yourself or it came from lip service.

Well, today, ladies and gents - today I've found out that there is Foamy Wear at Hot Topic.

Do not make me go downstairs and get my faded ass, cafe press foamy sweatshirt, fanbrats.

Fuckers.

We Interupt Your Regularly Scheduled Broadcast

...to bring you a rant.

[IMDB: Atlas Shrugged Cast & Crew]

That sound you hear? That is the sound of my soul dying.

I actually want to cry a little.

Sacreligious!

I don't know how many of you are familliar with this statue, but it's a Piccasso and it lives in Chicago, Illinois outside of the .

Of late, it has a big fat Chicago Bears headband on. I'm annoyed. Very very very annoyed.