Nap...

I am so tired. This week seemed long, even though it was a short one. I don't know, I just felt tired the whole time. Too early in the morning for me. I'm not properly adjusted and I didn't get too much warning. Oh well. I'm going to bed in a few minutes so all will be well. I'm feeling snuggly...but there's no one to snuggle with *pout*.

Mhhhmmm...

Contribution: Whenever I do anything, at all, including but not limited to things i am not responsible for, such as other peoples children, dressing her, cooking, etc...

Gift: Anything my mother does, including but not limited to bare mininum parental responsibilities like food and housing

New Metallica

I'm madly in anger with you
I'm madly in anger with you...

Something Amusing

"Can you remember when you first learned how to drive a car? Before you learned how, you were in the "ignorance" stage. You did not know how to drive the car and you didn't even know why you didn't know how to drive it.

"When you first went out with an instructor to learn how to drive you arrived at the Phase 2: awareness. You still couldn't drive, but because of your new awareness of the automobile and its parts, you were consciously aware of why you couldn't." <----MMMMHMMM about that last bit :P Awareness was good enough for me, the DMV won't accept it though.

What The Fuck?

It is now 6:44am and thus far I have been, nearly hit by a car, and missed my bus... Some jackass decided that he could disregard the fact that I was crossing the street, from a sidewalk, at a stop sign where he was stopped, because he saw a break in traffic and just pull right on forward. Dumbass. I should sue him for emotional distress. THEN!! Lets make matters worse, evidently a kid from Tremper catches their bus (not the one that is supposed to pick up there) at that corner, causing my fucking bus driver to have to ignore this kid every day, well he just kept right on barrelling by. I called cuz really, i'll be at that corner every morning all week and I'm not gonna be able to keep up wtih my mothers request, she'll take me if i'll be nice to her for 24 hours. Good god man, do you know how hard that is??

What Day Is It?

God I'm tired. That should teach me to get some sleep. Double shot anyone? It could have something to do wtih my really long fucking day. Meh.

Eeeeeeewwww...I think i might throw up... Sick tummy.... Yeah, right, if you're wondering why I'm up at 6:30 in the morning, its becasue I'm leaving for work in about 5 minutes. Life fucking sucks. We'll, not really, i'm just a bit tired...

This is me blogging about something completely unrelated to Colin. I just noticed how much that kid has been posted about in the past few days. Right, I can't think of anything...damnit.

Whats Up?

Really? Well, too bad I don't care. I'm only here to let you know that I updated the news. Check it out.

Thats okay Colin. You can call me. Or someone else. Just call someone... Good God...

So cubby is leaving tomorrow. I know everybody is fairly aware of this considering it has been the focus of my last few posts. I really don't know how i'm taking it. I said goodbye last night and wasn't even really that upset, but I don't know if that's how I really feel about it, or if thats just part of my new ability to turn it on and off again... It could have something to do wtih the fact that I promised myself i wouldn't cry, no matter how much i wanted to... Its really sad on one hand, and really great on the other. On one side, my Cubby is leaving me and really i quite enjoy and appreciate him, he has a way with making me feel better when something is wrong, cuz he's just Cubby and he just makes me smile. But then again, I almost feel bad for wishing he'd stick around because, i'm hoping, he's going to learn something up there at MMI and make something out of himself. I hope he'll enjoy it as well, make some new friends and start a new life.

In the past, when the dynamic of a relationship changed I was perfectly eager to just replace the person with someone else. For instance, when things went south with Sean, Mike just got added into the mix instead, and then when King backed out he just got replaced, though it took some time, with Cubby. Now, I just don't want to replace Cubby. For a few interesting reasons, I think. The first is simple, I love my Cubby. I don't want a new one, I just want my Cubby. Though Colin will always have a place in my life, the second part of it is this: my energy is beginning to have a new dedication to finding new friends, and I don't really feel like pulling away part of that energy to find a new spare boyfriend when, really, i already have a boyfriend, and i'll still, to a certain extent, have my Cubby.

If something has ever been wrong and Mike isn't around, Colin always was, and the two of them deal with me differently, so it was always very strange. Colin always tried to make me feel better in the immediate moment, whereas, Mike is more concerned with letting me go, letting me say what I need to say, putting in his two cents if he happens to have them, and then getting on with it. I can't say I appreciate one of over the other, there are really just some things that require the expertise of one approach over the other.

I really have a twisted relationship with Colin, honestly. I didn't notice one aspect of it until last night. Mike, A-ron, Colin, and I sat down at the Cafe for a few hours, and I, quite unexpectedly, enjoyed myself a lot. It was just the four of us and we sort of hung out. During one of the numerous Cafe moments where I just abruptly check completely out of the conversation and focus on something entirely unrelated, I found myself watching Colin talk about something, and just looking at him with this big smile on my face. Mind you he was paying no attention to me whatsoever. I don't remember what he was talking about now, but whatever it was, it was something that just made me really proud of him. Its the same look I gave Mike when he grabbed the news paper, pulled out his palm, and wrote down the specs on a few properties for sale in Racine that he and Colin are going to look at today. It's been happening with both of them more often lately.

I'm gonna miss you Cubs.

BTW, Duplos are still my favorite legos...

Colin...

Ya know, the least you could do is blog. I cannot be everyone's source of entertainment, let alone my own. I'd bug Mike about it, but well...he blogs once every two or so months, whether he needs it or not.

Awwwww....no barnyard sluts e-mails today...

Well hullo all. Just thought i'd pop in to say that I don't want to go to work today.

Check the tags, Tony appears to be back...

Does anyone know why this would make Colin think of me? I'm certainly lost. *looks about waiting for an answer from someone*

BAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats all i have to say for today. *explodes all over*

Thats A Lovely Way To Start The Morning

I just got an e-mail from "Jennifer" about a website called "Farm Sex." It features "horse cum covered sluts" and 500 other barn yard scenes. I'm thorughly disgusted. Thought I'd share that morning tidbit with all of you in hopes you would have an equally nauseating day.

Big-Gigantic-Huge-Dork Wad-Giant-Google Brain-Fatso-Spazoid-Retarded-Worm Nose-Meanie Head!

Colin is so mean. He has a countdown to the days he's leaving as his SN. MEANIE-HEAD!!! Yeah, for anyone who doesn't know, Colin is moving away from me to go to school in Madison *sad face.*

*HAS A BIG PARTY, forgets to invite anyone*

SHANTEL IS LEAVING!! SHE GOT TRANSFERED!!

Ah, the onset of tired.

Tme for a cup of coffee...and the newspaper...and a shot gun. I've got the news paper. Who's bringing the shot gun and the coffee?

Taking It Public

I'm taking this public now, it its first draft. I may ammend it later.

You guys are really familliar with all of the chaos and mayhem and disorder that took place earlier, the bitching about my mom, and my brother, and just being at home in general. Yes, we'll that has sort of died down. We don't fight about it anymore, i just get pissed off and deal with it later, or don't, but i dont fight with them about it. The thing: I didn't feel any better. You see, i've been having some really strange bouts of just bursting into tears lately. I guess its been about 6 months, but they've been very frequant lately. For a person who didn't cry for years, it's not a good sign when i'm shedding a few twice a day.

This is an excerpt from an e-mail I just sent Mike. He hasn't even read it yet. It has, of course, been edited so it doesn't seem so aimed at him.

"Optimally, I would like to find one simple solution, one catch-all problem that I could solve in one fell-swoop. It doesn't seem to be there, at least I can't find it yet.

"I want to say that it stems from not knowing where my life is going at this point. I'd like to say that its enflamed by the fact that I don't seem to care enough to make a move in any direction. I haven't isolated it yet, but it is actually an effort to make the moves that need to be made in order for me to improve my academic standing. For once, I just feel like taking whatever situation I'm thrown into. I hate it. This I do have a very simple explanation for, whether or not I like it, I don't want to leave Mike. I know, I know. He doesn't want a part in this situation. He doesn't want to feel as if it's his fault. He doesn't want to be forced into the middle of this. He shouldn't have to be there, it isn't a pretty place. Those are the reasons I've tried to avoid voicing this as an issue of tension in my head lately. There isn't anything he can do and I'm trying to beat it back. It's not going to go away easily and there isn't anything to avoid it. He has his plan for his life and I want him to keep it. Even if he came to me and told me that he had the money and the time and the desire to move halfway across the country, or even into another city for my sake, I think I'd smack him because I know it isn't true.

"Every so often I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when college crosses my mind. I'm in the middle of a sick paradoxical situation. On the one hand, I have the person I love most in the world, on the other, my entire future. It's almost choosing between the two things in the world that I love most. This next bit doesn't help:

"I don't know what I want to do with my life yet. I honestly have no idea. I shouldn't say that, I have general notions of things that interest me but I know myself well enough to know that they won't last long and even knowing them I don't know what I want to do with them. I don't have a clear path or an easy way to make decisions and movements because I don't have a decisive end in mind. I don't think I'm going to get a decisive end either. I know that most people enter college having no inclination towards any particular field, and most exit it in the same fashion, but that isn't really something that I want for myself, I don't want to waste that time. Plus, being that I have a pull against the decision in the first place, it's a lot easier to turn that into a larger issue than it really is for the sake of whatever. I'm not used to not knowing what?' going on.

"That all feeds into the tension with my mother at home, only make things worse here. She has taken it upon herself to poke and prod until she knows what choices I have made for my future. Admittedly, that?s her job as my mother. I don't resent it any more than anybody else would but I still don't want to talk to her about it. She doesn't have any productive advice or assistance to offer me. No one really does. What can someone say to me? 'Here. This is your career that you?re going to take. This is what school you're going to go to. This is what you need to do once you're there. This is when your plane leaves.'

"She doesn't understand what I'm doing or thinking and I really don't want to explain it to her and listen to her go on and on with her advice and instructions. Not to mention it's not something that I like to discuss because the effort not to break down and cry is far too large to combat successfully. So of course, it just drives her completely mad, and she gets more nutty on me. The avoidance of this subject leads her mind to go places she shouldn't bother with and she?s started to get really protective out of fear. It makes everything here more difficult because then we're both on edge.

"And then there is my father and his bullshit that he's pulling right now. He?s mad at both my mother and me. That's irritating but in no way catastrophic, he?ll get over it. I think this is one of those things that just makes the situation a little bit more frustrating.

"Jameson, the wild card. On one hand, I resent the shit that he gets away with because god knows I could never have pulled it, but that's the lesser part. For the most part, I feel sort of responsible to him and the way that my mother handles so many things is going to fuck him up later in life. To be perfectly honest, its much like my father in the list-o-things, really just something to make everything I little more irritating.

"I don't know, things at home have actually improved in the last week or so in terms of numbers of arguments etc. We've solved none of them, but I've been doing much better at keeping my mouth shut. I think that is more of just wait until it plays out and everything will be fine.

"Below that in the schema is my reaction to other people. The nagging feeling I get when I freeze up or start to sense it. I condemn myself for stuff like that for days at a time. I put it below my minor annoyances listed above because I don't think about it nearly as often, thereby, it can't bother me as much.

I don't know why I did this. Honestly, I have no idea. I suppose it's that the only people who will read this are Colin, Mike, and Chris. Mike has his own copy, and he'll tell Colin anyway so who gives a shit right :P.

This isn't done, I don't think. It would be nice if it was, but I think if this was it I'd feel a whole lot better than I do. Don't get me wrong, I do feel massively better, much less like i'm going to explode and cry all simultaniously, but I still don't feel like any of these things are solved, just a lot less scary. Whatever. It's the same ol' same ol' again.

*Big Sigh*

That's the feel for today, because:

1. I should be tired as fuck. I slept for like 3 hours last night, but i'm not feeling the effects. I think its the stress though. Maybe after my mind slows a bit i'll get tired and want to go to sleep, not that I will.

2. I've got a lot going on inside of my noggin and now seems like as good a time as any to actually deal with the things that have been building for the last 6 months, causing me to act like a raving lunatic. So yes, lots of madness on the agenda for today.

Song Of The Day: Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong

When this began
I had nothing to say
I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me

I was confused
And I live it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind

Inside of me
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel

Nothing to lose
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
Erase all the pain till it's gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn?t fall right down on my face

I was confused
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't trust to find the way, everyone is looking at me

Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away and find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

Haha, Chris toasted 50 hours of work last night. That makes me laugh because he had no sympathy for my soon to come shopping spree.

Yuck

Ewww... I dont want to go to shop with Mari. Why do I have to? Ehhhhhh....

Fuck. She got that shit job she's taking. Oh well. Lost Cause #758 in my life.

The new guy at work likes Sean. This should be interesting. Too bad, cuz he's a nice kid.

Metallica - Stone Cold Crazy

Sleeping very soundly on a Saturday morning
I was dreaming I was Al Capone
Rumor going round, gotta clear out of town,
Smelling like a dry fish bone

Here come the law, gonna break down the door,
Gonna carry me away once more
Never, never
Never want it anymore
Gotta get away from this stone cold floor

Crazy, stone cold crazy, you know!

Rainy afternoon, on a killer typhoon
And I'm playing with my slide trombone
Anymore, anymore
Cannot take it anymore
Gotta get away from this stone cold floor

Crazy, stone cold crazy, you know!

Walking down the street, shooting people that I meet,
Bullet loaded tommy gun
Here come the deputy
Try fuckin' gettin' me
Gotta fuckin' get up and run
They got the sirens loose,
I'm running out of juice
They're gonna put me in a cell
If I can't go to heaven, let me go to hell

Crazy, stone cold crazy, you know


This makes me think... "Wow, this has been stuck in my head for two days now...Oooooh! Lets do it again!"

I don't want to go to work today. I only work a puny four hours... this blows... but on the upside, my face feels much less like its sunburned and it doesn't look it. Score one for that.

Did You Know?

Did you know that cats sound exactly like small children crying when they breed? Yeah? Why the fuck didn't you tell me?

What I Did Today

I updated the news, added a new picture, listened to the new Metallica, went to dinner with my father, and some other such interesting things.

New Metallica

The new Metallica isn't too bad, I miss the old stuff but it's not too bad. I thought it was really bad while i was listening to it over Mike's phone, but now that I actually hear it, I don't mind it. Even though it starts out just like a Slipknot song

Where Were You When I Could Have Used You?

I found a spiffy website, and I also found that i have a venue to bitch about my former teachers... This really would have been nice when I was in school...Rate My Teachers.Com

Hmmm, ya know, its been a while since I had a public rant. How about I produce the one about socialized medicine i promised. I just noticed it when i bounced over to blog on the News portion of this site...which i did, by the way. Of course this will all have to be delayed due to my argument with chris over here, at which point i'll get right back to it.

As I have previously explained about the War on Iraq, no one mentioned that when the big body builder stepped in and beat up the skinny kid down the block, he was pushing the body builders baby sister down the stairs after stealing her lunch money.

Evidently my showering didn't work....hmmm...*drums fingers*

<---goes to take a shower... Then maybe i'll be cute enough to get someone to figure out why all of the other blogger templates accept this () as the only way to do the archives, and my blog goes ape shit.

So...blogger?

Again, Fuck My Managers

Yeah :) Work... Right, lemmi explain about my managers. Dean, last night, decided that my cooler was too cold, so he "turned the temp up." This morning, I opened up the cooler and found 8 bursted soda cans, which just had to be on the top shelf and burst all over everything. Shantel, manager of death, told me to just take them all out, throw away the broken ones, and put the rest in the walk in cooler in back. I did, and I hurt my back doing it...but that's completely beside the point. Any way, I put it in the back and she called the repair guy. When he showed up at about 2:00, Dean made me clean it up (there was still frozen soda everywhere, cuz damn if i was gonna clean it up without being told to,) and then the repair guy went to his business. Come to find out, the cooler wasn't broken at all, Dean just turned the temp down!!! He froze the shit, made my day living hell cuz everytime someone ordered anything my ass had to run, literally, to the back room and bring them out whatever they wanted. That doesn't seem too bad, but when you have a ton of shit to do and your back hurts its not pleasant, and then, to make matters worse, I had to clean up the fucking mess. Grrrrrrrrr......

eh?

Right, uh, blogger. It'd be nice to let people think that i've been up for hours and its only 4:55, but its not...So uh, stop lying to my friends..

Number 1 Reason To Work At A Coffee Shop:

ehhhhhhhhhh....fuck mornings. I've been up since 5:45. I went to bed at 2. I am not happy about either of these occasions, but tomorrow is wednesday, and I don't work...so i'll sleep in, or something. Triple shot for breakfast anyone? I was thinking that three shots of espresso later...and maybe a little half and half and sugar for the palate, i would be okay for a few hours. *beats head on wall* - why don't i have an...owww...job that doesn't make me work...oww...before i want to get up in the morning - *stops beating head on the wall* Fuck, that's gonna leave a mark.

What's the song Mike? I love my job/I love my job/J-O-B/J-O-B...oh, who the fuck am I kidding...

G'night guys...err...wait. Yeah, I'll be awake all day...right. COFFEE!!!!!

I wanna go see Finding Nemo...who wants to go with me? And I wanna go roller skating... These two things are in no way related...Oooo...and I wanna play the game again. I enjoyed that.

Hey Mike, remember that conversation we were having about Oust and whether or not it actually advertised as being an air sanitizer becuase you can't really sanitize the air... They only say "Oust really takes care of the odors because its an air sanitzer" like 50 times...

Does This new windows bloggery thing work?

That should solve the image problem...Apparently Blogger doesn't much like having to pull images from other peoples servers. I can't say i blame it. It'd really suck to have to borrow all of that shit. :P

Bowling For Soup - The Bitch Song

Is it OK if I speak to you today
You?ve been pissed off for a week now
but, nothing I can say could make you look up.
or crack up. Is there anything that I can do
Anything to show you

[chorus]
You?re a bitch
but, I love you anyway
OH OH You can?t sing
But, you still put me to sleep
Baby, You?re a bitch
Hey Hey Hey Hey
You make me sick
But, don?t ever go away

So you tell me that there?s nothing left to say
I drive you face the window
Then you?re in my face telling me to grow up
I wish you?d grow up
I can?t wait until you fall asleep, I wonder if you know
that
[chorus]

[BREAK]

[chorus]

Yeah you?re a bitch but I love you anyway
So why don?t you...... Stay



This song makes me think, "Poor Mike." *nods of agreement from the peanut gallary. In fact, I think he may have said something very simmilar and equally melodic (it is pop-punk after all) a few days ago. :P

Who doesn't want to go to work this morning... GOD POSTING ON BLOGGER IS EASIER!! You know what that means right? We're back to the extra senseless blogging cuz its easier to do than it used to be :P HA! BTW, Chris got totally trashed last night on 8 (?) shots of vodka...light weight :P But really, he's paying for it now, which i find kind of amusing. Chasers for christmas dear?

What do you guys think? Brought the template back to blogger so i can take advantage of their superior easy use technology, even beta works better than geocities. Blogger lets me post at least.

Scratch that, i'll pull my entire blog over here just as soon as Blogger *ahem* figures out that it should listen to me... and work

Ladeda, i think i'm gonna pull my entire blog over here