Taking It Public
I'm taking this public now, it its first draft. I may ammend it later.
You guys are really familliar with all of the chaos and mayhem and disorder that took place earlier, the bitching about my mom, and my brother, and just being at home in general. Yes, we'll that has sort of died down. We don't fight about it anymore, i just get pissed off and deal with it later, or don't, but i dont fight with them about it. The thing: I didn't feel any better. You see, i've been having some really strange bouts of just bursting into tears lately. I guess its been about 6 months, but they've been very frequant lately. For a person who didn't cry for years, it's not a good sign when i'm shedding a few twice a day.
This is an excerpt from an e-mail I just sent Mike. He hasn't even read it yet. It has, of course, been edited so it doesn't seem so aimed at him.
"Optimally, I would like to find one simple solution, one catch-all problem that I could solve in one fell-swoop. It doesn't seem to be there, at least I can't find it yet.
"I want to say that it stems from not knowing where my life is going at this point. I'd like to say that its enflamed by the fact that I don't seem to care enough to make a move in any direction. I haven't isolated it yet, but it is actually an effort to make the moves that need to be made in order for me to improve my academic standing. For once, I just feel like taking whatever situation I'm thrown into. I hate it. This I do have a very simple explanation for, whether or not I like it, I don't want to leave Mike. I know, I know. He doesn't want a part in this situation. He doesn't want to feel as if it's his fault. He doesn't want to be forced into the middle of this. He shouldn't have to be there, it isn't a pretty place. Those are the reasons I've tried to avoid voicing this as an issue of tension in my head lately. There isn't anything he can do and I'm trying to beat it back. It's not going to go away easily and there isn't anything to avoid it. He has his plan for his life and I want him to keep it. Even if he came to me and told me that he had the money and the time and the desire to move halfway across the country, or even into another city for my sake, I think I'd smack him because I know it isn't true.
"Every so often I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when college crosses my mind. I'm in the middle of a sick paradoxical situation. On the one hand, I have the person I love most in the world, on the other, my entire future. It's almost choosing between the two things in the world that I love most. This next bit doesn't help:
"I don't know what I want to do with my life yet. I honestly have no idea. I shouldn't say that, I have general notions of things that interest me but I know myself well enough to know that they won't last long and even knowing them I don't know what I want to do with them. I don't have a clear path or an easy way to make decisions and movements because I don't have a decisive end in mind. I don't think I'm going to get a decisive end either. I know that most people enter college having no inclination towards any particular field, and most exit it in the same fashion, but that isn't really something that I want for myself, I don't want to waste that time. Plus, being that I have a pull against the decision in the first place, it's a lot easier to turn that into a larger issue than it really is for the sake of whatever. I'm not used to not knowing what?' going on.
"That all feeds into the tension with my mother at home, only make things worse here. She has taken it upon herself to poke and prod until she knows what choices I have made for my future. Admittedly, that?s her job as my mother. I don't resent it any more than anybody else would but I still don't want to talk to her about it. She doesn't have any productive advice or assistance to offer me. No one really does. What can someone say to me? 'Here. This is your career that you?re going to take. This is what school you're going to go to. This is what you need to do once you're there. This is when your plane leaves.'
"She doesn't understand what I'm doing or thinking and I really don't want to explain it to her and listen to her go on and on with her advice and instructions. Not to mention it's not something that I like to discuss because the effort not to break down and cry is far too large to combat successfully. So of course, it just drives her completely mad, and she gets more nutty on me. The avoidance of this subject leads her mind to go places she shouldn't bother with and she?s started to get really protective out of fear. It makes everything here more difficult because then we're both on edge.
"And then there is my father and his bullshit that he's pulling right now. He?s mad at both my mother and me. That's irritating but in no way catastrophic, he?ll get over it. I think this is one of those things that just makes the situation a little bit more frustrating.
"Jameson, the wild card. On one hand, I resent the shit that he gets away with because god knows I could never have pulled it, but that's the lesser part. For the most part, I feel sort of responsible to him and the way that my mother handles so many things is going to fuck him up later in life. To be perfectly honest, its much like my father in the list-o-things, really just something to make everything I little more irritating.
"I don't know, things at home have actually improved in the last week or so in terms of numbers of arguments etc. We've solved none of them, but I've been doing much better at keeping my mouth shut. I think that is more of just wait until it plays out and everything will be fine.
"Below that in the schema is my reaction to other people. The nagging feeling I get when I freeze up or start to sense it. I condemn myself for stuff like that for days at a time. I put it below my minor annoyances listed above because I don't think about it nearly as often, thereby, it can't bother me as much.
I don't know why I did this. Honestly, I have no idea. I suppose it's that the only people who will read this are Colin, Mike, and Chris. Mike has his own copy, and he'll tell Colin anyway so who gives a shit right :P.
This isn't done, I don't think. It would be nice if it was, but I think if this was it I'd feel a whole lot better than I do. Don't get me wrong, I do feel massively better, much less like i'm going to explode and cry all simultaniously, but I still don't feel like any of these things are solved, just a lot less scary. Whatever. It's the same ol' same ol' again.
I'm taking this public now, it its first draft. I may ammend it later.
You guys are really familliar with all of the chaos and mayhem and disorder that took place earlier, the bitching about my mom, and my brother, and just being at home in general. Yes, we'll that has sort of died down. We don't fight about it anymore, i just get pissed off and deal with it later, or don't, but i dont fight with them about it. The thing: I didn't feel any better. You see, i've been having some really strange bouts of just bursting into tears lately. I guess its been about 6 months, but they've been very frequant lately. For a person who didn't cry for years, it's not a good sign when i'm shedding a few twice a day.
This is an excerpt from an e-mail I just sent Mike. He hasn't even read it yet. It has, of course, been edited so it doesn't seem so aimed at him.
"Optimally, I would like to find one simple solution, one catch-all problem that I could solve in one fell-swoop. It doesn't seem to be there, at least I can't find it yet.
"I want to say that it stems from not knowing where my life is going at this point. I'd like to say that its enflamed by the fact that I don't seem to care enough to make a move in any direction. I haven't isolated it yet, but it is actually an effort to make the moves that need to be made in order for me to improve my academic standing. For once, I just feel like taking whatever situation I'm thrown into. I hate it. This I do have a very simple explanation for, whether or not I like it, I don't want to leave Mike. I know, I know. He doesn't want a part in this situation. He doesn't want to feel as if it's his fault. He doesn't want to be forced into the middle of this. He shouldn't have to be there, it isn't a pretty place. Those are the reasons I've tried to avoid voicing this as an issue of tension in my head lately. There isn't anything he can do and I'm trying to beat it back. It's not going to go away easily and there isn't anything to avoid it. He has his plan for his life and I want him to keep it. Even if he came to me and told me that he had the money and the time and the desire to move halfway across the country, or even into another city for my sake, I think I'd smack him because I know it isn't true.
"Every so often I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when college crosses my mind. I'm in the middle of a sick paradoxical situation. On the one hand, I have the person I love most in the world, on the other, my entire future. It's almost choosing between the two things in the world that I love most. This next bit doesn't help:
"I don't know what I want to do with my life yet. I honestly have no idea. I shouldn't say that, I have general notions of things that interest me but I know myself well enough to know that they won't last long and even knowing them I don't know what I want to do with them. I don't have a clear path or an easy way to make decisions and movements because I don't have a decisive end in mind. I don't think I'm going to get a decisive end either. I know that most people enter college having no inclination towards any particular field, and most exit it in the same fashion, but that isn't really something that I want for myself, I don't want to waste that time. Plus, being that I have a pull against the decision in the first place, it's a lot easier to turn that into a larger issue than it really is for the sake of whatever. I'm not used to not knowing what?' going on.
"That all feeds into the tension with my mother at home, only make things worse here. She has taken it upon herself to poke and prod until she knows what choices I have made for my future. Admittedly, that?s her job as my mother. I don't resent it any more than anybody else would but I still don't want to talk to her about it. She doesn't have any productive advice or assistance to offer me. No one really does. What can someone say to me? 'Here. This is your career that you?re going to take. This is what school you're going to go to. This is what you need to do once you're there. This is when your plane leaves.'
"She doesn't understand what I'm doing or thinking and I really don't want to explain it to her and listen to her go on and on with her advice and instructions. Not to mention it's not something that I like to discuss because the effort not to break down and cry is far too large to combat successfully. So of course, it just drives her completely mad, and she gets more nutty on me. The avoidance of this subject leads her mind to go places she shouldn't bother with and she?s started to get really protective out of fear. It makes everything here more difficult because then we're both on edge.
"And then there is my father and his bullshit that he's pulling right now. He?s mad at both my mother and me. That's irritating but in no way catastrophic, he?ll get over it. I think this is one of those things that just makes the situation a little bit more frustrating.
"Jameson, the wild card. On one hand, I resent the shit that he gets away with because god knows I could never have pulled it, but that's the lesser part. For the most part, I feel sort of responsible to him and the way that my mother handles so many things is going to fuck him up later in life. To be perfectly honest, its much like my father in the list-o-things, really just something to make everything I little more irritating.
"I don't know, things at home have actually improved in the last week or so in terms of numbers of arguments etc. We've solved none of them, but I've been doing much better at keeping my mouth shut. I think that is more of just wait until it plays out and everything will be fine.
"Below that in the schema is my reaction to other people. The nagging feeling I get when I freeze up or start to sense it. I condemn myself for stuff like that for days at a time. I put it below my minor annoyances listed above because I don't think about it nearly as often, thereby, it can't bother me as much.
I don't know why I did this. Honestly, I have no idea. I suppose it's that the only people who will read this are Colin, Mike, and Chris. Mike has his own copy, and he'll tell Colin anyway so who gives a shit right :P.
This isn't done, I don't think. It would be nice if it was, but I think if this was it I'd feel a whole lot better than I do. Don't get me wrong, I do feel massively better, much less like i'm going to explode and cry all simultaniously, but I still don't feel like any of these things are solved, just a lot less scary. Whatever. It's the same ol' same ol' again.
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