So cubby is leaving tomorrow. I know everybody is fairly aware of this considering it has been the focus of my last few posts. I really don't know how i'm taking it. I said goodbye last night and wasn't even really that upset, but I don't know if that's how I really feel about it, or if thats just part of my new ability to turn it on and off again... It could have something to do wtih the fact that I promised myself i wouldn't cry, no matter how much i wanted to... Its really sad on one hand, and really great on the other. On one side, my Cubby is leaving me and really i quite enjoy and appreciate him, he has a way with making me feel better when something is wrong, cuz he's just Cubby and he just makes me smile. But then again, I almost feel bad for wishing he'd stick around because, i'm hoping, he's going to learn something up there at MMI and make something out of himself. I hope he'll enjoy it as well, make some new friends and start a new life.

In the past, when the dynamic of a relationship changed I was perfectly eager to just replace the person with someone else. For instance, when things went south with Sean, Mike just got added into the mix instead, and then when King backed out he just got replaced, though it took some time, with Cubby. Now, I just don't want to replace Cubby. For a few interesting reasons, I think. The first is simple, I love my Cubby. I don't want a new one, I just want my Cubby. Though Colin will always have a place in my life, the second part of it is this: my energy is beginning to have a new dedication to finding new friends, and I don't really feel like pulling away part of that energy to find a new spare boyfriend when, really, i already have a boyfriend, and i'll still, to a certain extent, have my Cubby.

If something has ever been wrong and Mike isn't around, Colin always was, and the two of them deal with me differently, so it was always very strange. Colin always tried to make me feel better in the immediate moment, whereas, Mike is more concerned with letting me go, letting me say what I need to say, putting in his two cents if he happens to have them, and then getting on with it. I can't say I appreciate one of over the other, there are really just some things that require the expertise of one approach over the other.

I really have a twisted relationship with Colin, honestly. I didn't notice one aspect of it until last night. Mike, A-ron, Colin, and I sat down at the Cafe for a few hours, and I, quite unexpectedly, enjoyed myself a lot. It was just the four of us and we sort of hung out. During one of the numerous Cafe moments where I just abruptly check completely out of the conversation and focus on something entirely unrelated, I found myself watching Colin talk about something, and just looking at him with this big smile on my face. Mind you he was paying no attention to me whatsoever. I don't remember what he was talking about now, but whatever it was, it was something that just made me really proud of him. Its the same look I gave Mike when he grabbed the news paper, pulled out his palm, and wrote down the specs on a few properties for sale in Racine that he and Colin are going to look at today. It's been happening with both of them more often lately.

I'm gonna miss you Cubs.

BTW, Duplos are still my favorite legos...