Perspective In The Sunrise

One of the few perks of being an insomniac is the amount of sunrises you get to see. True, it’s not the only way – people who go to bed early get to see their fair share as well, but there is something unique about a sunrise when you haven’t slept yet. Some mornings, it’s foreboding – a sign that you’ve lost complete control over every aspect of your life, including those most id, like sleep. Some mornings, however, it’s refreshing. This morning seems to be one of those.

The air smells just a little bit like summer, even though tit’s still too cold for a walk on the lake, and the smile seems easy. In a kinder time, a 20-year old wouldn’t relish the feeling of a winter’s arthritic fingers shifting to the bursitis that settles in summer knees, and I even enjoyed feeling my spring allergies awaken in my sinus’s this morning.

Four AM is no good for me – but five…Five is different. Five makes me want to light a cigarette to smell the smoke. Five makes me crave Nutrigrain bars and wish I had a well worn cotton t-shirt that smells like Lake Michigan air. Five makes me smile fondly, breathe deep and remember all of the people that I’ve loved and lost for the good times – remember the love and the support and forget the loss and the betrayal. Five AM makes me want to discard my better judgment, call old friends and go for long walks.

This morning, I sat on my porch and thought of change as the sun crept up on me faster than I could type out my reminiscences. I remembered a time when my friends smelled like Bounce in the morning rather than leather, stale smoke and black coffee. Then, I lit a red because the stale smoke and leather were never so bad.

Sometimes, no matter all the damage, I’m stricken still by the amount of love that I’ve felt in my short life. Days like today are one of the few occasions on which I ever recall feeling truly lucky and it seems like every time I look up, the sun is a little higher in the sky and the day is a little closer to a close, but maybe that’s the way my luck always is.

I’ve had fortune of finding many – some who’ve loved and some who’ve obsessed – and most of them ended and none of them well but I can’t help but feel that It was worth it in the end.

It’s been a bad decade, but it’s going to be a good day.