I'm Sorry

It just spent the last half an hour crying as hard as I've cried in years. That's a feat of some sort - not because I don't cry, but because I do.

I've spent the last seven months learning what it meant when my mother said she was afraid that I was giving up my power. The was she said it was all wrong for me but, put in terms I can understand, it makes a lot more sense. I was letting myself lose control of my life.

I just sat on the deck terrified to stay out there but even more afraid to get up and turn my back to the vast and incrediably well lit, secure backyard.

I've spent the last god knows how long spiting the world for so many injustices. For my parents lack of parenting, for my brother and the inordinate amount of parenting I did, for how badly he's turning out and my role in that, for Sean and for Colin, for Trish, for Ian, for everyone that made Ian feel like he had no one, for everyone that ever made me feel like I had no one, for Andy, for Allison's cancer, and I realized two things that are really more one than two. I've spent so much time being angry with the world/the fates/god/God for the things that i've been through that I never noticed that I've spent the last five years focused so heavily on being angry that I didn't notice it when my patience slipped away completely and I had no feelings left for anyone else. I've been saying for years now that I don't have the energy to put into relationships with other people - that all relationships are effort and I don't have the energy to go there and what I didn't realize is that I would have it if i wasn't so busy being so fucking angry. It's not that I feel like i was entitled to some great fucking life - it would just have been nice if i didn't have to be quite so horrible but i've reached the point where i'm tipping the scales. Where i've got nothing left to give to any but a select few that I could count on one hand and i've only got guilt there for all of the taking i've done.

So this is what the bottom really looks like. I have now been everywhere, ladies and gents.

In any case, i'm sorry. I'm sorry to the people reading this, i'm sorry to..some...of the people who aren't. I've been so pissed off that it never occured to me to turn around and see how everyone else was doing.