Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen...

...to round, i dunno, what're we on, 9...of my Birthday. Most people would think that the last thing I would be doing on my birthday is feeling guilty and near tears. It seems to be the natural thought to me. Sure, i've made people let me give them a birthday cake, but i don't sing and i don't make a big deal out of things - and sure that's probably more than they wanted but this really sucks.

My mom tries so hard. She really does. She spends hours searching the internet and trying to find something that I would enjoy doing. She plans this trip to chicago with the whole family so we can go and see millenium park and get something yummy to eat and thats her plan for the day because she wants to do something special for my birthday. Truth be told, that plan doesn't seem that bad, and i'd probably enjoy it but for one thing - i'm not the biggest fan of spending entire days with my family at all, and I may succumb to it once in a while on their birthdays, but on my own...i'd prefer to do my own thing and today i'd really rather curl up in a ball all by myself and just be alone, but thats not going to happen because i've got no place to go.

So instead of just enjoying my day i get this fun choice - i'm fucked either way, and every year for some reason i fail to realize that i'm just fucked and i might as well not take everyone else with me. Today, so far, i've woken mike up. Now he's tired and cranky. I've made my mother cry. My father is pissed off and my brother is just acting like a jackass...like ya do. And now i feel horrible becuase this is all my fault, and then i think - wait a minute - its my fucking birthday. If i want to be by myself i should get to be by my god damn self - but no, no no no, because its my birthday and my family loves me so they want to celebrate and make me happy. Thus the circle begins and i reach the point of either tears or punching walls. I've broken my toes already, and i really don't think i need to start working on my fingers..... And then, lets add insult to injury - I'm gonna be upset when i go see mike and he's gonna be mad at me for that and this fucking sucks and i hate holidays. I swear to god if i could just erase my birthdate from everyones memory my life would be a lot fucking easier.

And in the continuing theme of me having do to things i dont want to do for oodles of reasons - i get to do this all over again in November when I have to go to Thanksgiving at my Great Grandmothers because as long as she's having it, i'm going ... despite the fact that all through the day i'm gonna wanna do nothing more than throw up and run from the room crying...