REALLY BIG DISCLAIMER

I'm having a bad day. I'm having a bad week. Really, i'm sorta having a bad year but we wont get into that cuz i'm already digressing. I'm crabby and i'm angry and i'm frustrated and i don't want to hear one damn word about how this post is unfair or out of line. Not one, got it? I know some of its not my business and most of its irrational requests. And since im aware of it leave me alone. I just need to scream and yell for a little while. He didn't exactly care how out of line or unfair what he was doing was. Furthermore i'm not asking anyone for anything or even to read it i just wanna say it. In the spirit of tact i probably shouldn't be saying anything of this nature but i'm going to anyway becuase damnit, i think i'm entitled a little tyrate on how much I hate colin every so often and in the last three months i haven't even had a single one.

I AM SO MAD AT HIM!!! he ruined everything...and it was going so fucking well. He ruined my favoritest blanket i've ever had, except the froggie blanket. He ruined futons. Parkside. I'd say he ruined 4am but that's never been a good time to be kay. He ruined Robin Hood, the animated and best version ever. He ruined slipknot. He ruined any chance i ever had of going anywhere by myself. He ruined rasberry smirnoff. He destroyed my sex life.

And whats worse, he won't just drop off of the face of the planet like i wish he would!! Everytime i see some little dark haired kid in a slipknot sweatshirt my heart stops, my stomach lurches, my throat gets tight and i wanna cry. And that happens way more often than you'd think it would at a Panera Bread. He won't leave mike alone which freaks me out on more levels than i even care to deal with cuz either i'm just pissed at colin for showing up and dragging all that shit up for both of us or i'm slightly sick that mike is willing to sit across the table from him or worse i'm terrified because maybe Mike's double playing like King did and I hate thinking either of the last two things which just adds another layer of guilt. When did everything get so fucking complicated? And i'm sick of not being able to sleep at night. And i'm sick of haivng a god damn sore throat. And i'm sick of being nauseous. And i'm tired of fucking crying. And i'm sick of being scared. I'm sick of having to tear into myself and try and find out what the fuck is wrong with me. And i don't want to be so tired because i wake up in the middle of the night anymore. I don't want anymore bad dreams. I don't want to explain one more time. I don't want one more person to look at me like they all do. I HATE THAT LOOK> I dont want to be angry any more. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to feel so fucking violent. I'm sick of starting to tell a story and stopping in the middle right before i say "my friend colin" and haivng to correct myself. I'm sick of missing him. I'm sick that i miss him. I hate that he managed to transcend almost every aspect of my life. I hate that i walk into most rooms and i can see the place he was that one day when...fill in the fucking blank. I hate that all it takes is one word or a glimpse of something or a train of thought that lands on the wrong thing to make me crumble. I hate that i scare people. I hate that i don't have enough control of it to keep it away from mike.

Blue kool-aid. Halo. Subs. Nutra Grain Bars. Slipknot. Disturbed. Lady Bugs. Blue Sweatshirts. Lights. Peanut Butter Cookies. IHOP. The Life Of Brian. Hair Dye. The Park. My Trampoline. Swings. Panda. Smarties. Red Trucks. Side note. I'm watching the news right now. And this guy, a convicted sex offender, is supposed to be released, not the best idea i think...but anyways... the city hasn't been able to find an address in a community that is willing to admit a sex offender to it...blame them? So now the judge is reccomending that they release him to whatever community he wants and not make him go door to doore because the county is failing to find an address. BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS THE MOTHER FUCKER> Sorry, if a statutory rapist moved into my neighborhood, i might throw a bit of a fit and i don't think the solution to that is to just stick him there and not tell people. Maybe they ought to realize that the public concensus is that multiple counts of statutory sexual assault is something you shouldn't be release from.

I'm tired. And I quit. This is the most emotionally and physically exausting experience i've ever encountered.